While making the choice of sole custody over child support wasn't easy, making other choices like no contact and having a full restraining order was.
Whenever two parents are going through issues, a common decision is made in the child’s best interest. Sometimes parents agree to co-parent where both parents have access to the child, schedules are put in place and communication is the key. Other times parents don’t agree at all and there are two choices the main parent can make, file for child support or sole custody. Both choices mean that the main parent will be taking full labor of the child, but only one requires some help.
Now some of you may automatically pick child support because by right, you didn’t make the baby on your own and if the parent isn't helping with labor, they should want to help financially. But when it comes to my story that involves domestic violence, I chose sole custody.
Over and over again, I’ve contemplated and had mini battles with myself on what decision I wanted to make and what I thought was best for my child. And then I remembered those times of making the mistake of going back, over and over. Those times where I would have to do a walk of shame because my eyes were so fucked up, black and blue from the punches and smacks to the face. Those times when I would scream “I hate myself” because I was carrying a baby by someone that hated my guts. Or those times when I would pack my bags to go and allow that same person that threatened my life in front of my son, talk me into staying because my son needed him as a father.
Sometime healing through all of those times, I figured I didnt want to endure the “baby momma drama” that a joint custody has to offer. I dont want my son to be traumatized when his father says that he’s coming to get him tomorrow and when tomorrow comes, his father doesn’t show up. I dont want to be triggered when I ask for help, and his father won’t even give me an inch to try and help me. I don’t even want my name or my sons name associated with “child support” in the court system at all. I started to lead with the idea that having a full-restraining order was the best decision being that I wasn't just protecting myself this time. I had to be strong and go no-contact. I knew that I needed to regain the control over my life again. It wasn't easy at all, but here I was, doing it.
Making these decisions will ultimately guide my mini family into a brighter path. Not only don't I have to deal with non payments but I definitely don’t have to deal with relying on someone else to pull their weight.
Lastly, my therapist says to only focus on what you can control and leave what you cant and this is me leaving what I can’t control. While I am still healing, being triggered and not wanting to deal with my son being let down are my biggest concerns. Now, I cant control what my son will feel later on in life about his dad but this is my way of protecting him because I'm his mom and I am only worried about being his mom.
Dwanét CA Perry
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